Why Self-Blame Can Be Counterproductive
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You have shortcomings of which you are well aware. Perhaps it is a tendency to procrastinate, or an inability to stay focussed on certain kinds of tasks. As a result, you are sometimes hard on yourself, because you know that you could accomplish more if only you could do things differently.
Paradoxically, chastising yourself for these shortcomings brings you some relief: after all, you learned when you were young that being punished for working poorly was a step towards doing things better the next time. In other words, by being hard on yourself, you have the impression that you are working towards adopting behaviours that are more in line with the person you want to become.
But here’s the problem: most people have a tendency to go no further than simply acknowledging their mistake and saying to themselves: “I should have done things differently; it’s my fault; it’s the result of an inherent weakness.”
The next time you behave in a way you consider undesirable, instead of blaming yourself, try to understand why you behave in that way:
What preceded the undesirable behaviour?
Is your behaviour an attempt to avoid an unpleasant feeling or emotion? If so, which one?
For how long have you had this habit?
What are the warning signs that you are about to do the same thing again?
This type of analysis allows you to avoid falling into the trap of saying to yourself “I was always like this, and will always be like this,” because it allows you to understand the root causes of the behaviour you are trying to change—which are likely to be numerous and complex. Understanding the root causes of the behaviours we want to change is the first step towards realising that we can behave otherwise: just because we have acted a certain way in the past does not mean that we are condemned forever to behave this way.
In other words, sometimes negative self-talk is a smoke screen that distracts us from enacting meaningful change. The path to improved habits does not always have to lead you through self-blame.
What changes do you tend to avoid trying to put into place? Get in touch with Jon to find out how partnering with him could help you tackle those goals you have been putting off for a while. If you want to know more about his background, take a look here.