Managing Frustration

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Keeping frustration and anger in check is a common coaching topic. When we are stressed — and who, especially among lawyers, has never experienced moments of intense pressure? — we can feel tempted to release tension in a way that might, in the heat of the moment, seem appropriate, but that we regret in hindsight.

Everyone has their own way of managing their emotions. One incident from early in my career that left a strong impression on me is instructive in this regard. In the course of one assignment, I found myself caught between a misunderstanding between two teams, which provoked the ire of the lawyer with whom I was working. After I explained what was happening, he started shouting at me as we sat in a tiny office. But then, halfway into his tirade, he managed to state that he knew that I was not at all to blame, and that he wasn’t angry at me at all; he was upset with his colleagues. Although a bit shell-shocked, I found myself suddenly reassured: he managed to communicate that his anger wasn’t directed at me — he was simply venting his anger in my presence. 

Unfortunately, not everyone has sufficient empathy to remain sensitive to the impact their emotions can have on others, nor the presence of mind to act accordingly even when emotions run high.

Further complicating matters is that people often feel compelled to try to hide their emotions from their colleagues, even when providing a bit of context for their behaviour could help colleagues to be more accepting of their actions on a particularly stressful day (of course, some behaviour will never be acceptable, regardless of the circumstances). Sometimes it is obvious why someone is stressed: a major deadline approaching, or a particularly high workload. More often, however, colleagues remain completely unaware of the context that could explain — and perhaps even excuse — someone’s behaviour. For example, perhaps the person just had a fight with a family member, an unpleasant discussion with a client, or simply a poor night of sleep. The problem is that, when colleagues are left guessing as to why someone is angry or frustrated, the risk of misunderstandings and miscommunications skyrockets. 

To make things worse, the situation gets even more complicated when the coworkers of the person in question are likely to think that they are the reason for their colleague’s bad mood. Even neutral behaviour can be misinterpreted as evidence of a grudge if someone is convinced their colleague is unhappy with them. For example, if Tom is worried that Linda is upset with him, Tom might easily interpret Linda’s terse email as evidence of this — even if, in reality, Linda is perfectly happy with Tom’s work and just quickly dashed off an email between two meetings without much thought behind it (I can think of countless examples that go even further: people actually misread the content —not just the tone — of an email to contain messages they anticipated receiving but were actually nowhere to be found).

You get the idea: the messages we inadvertently send with our behaviour, or that we project onto our misinterpretations of others’ behaviour, can negatively impact the productivity and well-being of our colleagues. These imagined behaviours can trigger increases in stress levels or tensions between colleagues that result in very real drains on time and energy. 

So what is one to do?

If you are in a bad mood, be as open as you can with your colleagues; in any event, they will notice that something is off. Even if you do not feel comfortable sharing details of your personal life with your coworkers, you can still find ways to acknowledge that you are more tense than usual but that it is not their fault. A simple “Before this meeting gets started, I just wanted to let you know that I might sound a bit more terse than usual this morning — rest assured that it has nothing to do with you, I am just feeling stressed after a pretty unpleasant morning” might spare your colleagues unnecessary stress. If you are managing a team, this could even help to encourage more open communication from everyone else.

And if you find yourself dealing with someone who is in a bad mood, do your best to avoid a vicious circle of anger and frustration. You cannot control the other person, but you can control the way you display your own emotions, which is likely the only way to calm things down. Remember that it is unlikely that the person is angry because of you; even if that is the case, it is unlikely that you are the sole source of their frustration. Finally, if you find that the other person’s actions are inappropriate, it is probably best to wait until the other person has calmed down to address this with them (taking into account the seriousness of the behaviour, of course).

Are you dealing with a difficult colleague? Working with a coach can help you to develop strategies for handling such situations effectively. Get in touch with Jon here to set a time to talk it over. You can find information about his background and qualifications here.